random ramblings and feelings

so it's mothers day. i haven't spoken to my mom in a few weeks, since we had a huge fight. Still, I decided to ignore an email from my dad the other day for lunch today. I'm not feeling up to much these days.

So the guy and I didn't work out. We jumped right into a relationship, with him moving in and everything. I thought a few things were a little odd here and there, but he always had an explanation. In an effort to 'trust' people, i didn't listen to the internal dialogue, and in this case, it came back and burned me.

Trust is so important in relationships. It's the one thing in relationships that is so fundamental, it's just not possible to have a good relationship without it. Still.. mine trust for him is now shattered. Not just broken, but shattered in a zillion pieces. Stil, i don't think he's a horrible person. He didn't lie to intentionally hurt me - he lied to make himself more than he was so that I would like him.. and he was hoping to 'catch up' before i figured it all out.

Anyways, my emotions are like on this crazy pendulum. they go back and forth - and talking with friends has been very helpful. A good friend this morning likened the lie to cheating. While it's definitely not as egregious as cheating, the violation of trust is along the same principle. So.. I’m feeling betrayed.

The house feels empty. I spent the day in because it’s all grey – and everyone else is doing mother’s day stuff. I was invited to hang out with some friends earlier, but I turned them down as it’s so nasty out.. and I was out all day yesterday. Still, it’s weird. Last week, after my last day at work happy hour (will blog more about that later), I returned home, and the guy was out doing boy nights out. It was the first time I’d been alone in my house in a long time, and while I was thinking it was nice, and then that feeling disappeared after about 3 minutes, as it became too quiet, and I really started to miss the guy.

Today was about 100 times worse than that. It was not only deathly silent, but everywhere I looked, I noticed where his stuff was now ‘missing.’ As if there was a hole… or whatever. The entire left side of the closet is empty – with just empty hangers and shelf space. It made me sad. I made it to the living room and totally broke down just sobbing. I was totally devastated.

I know it’s normal to experience a range of emotions – and since I know how I am with emotions, I decided this weekend I needed to NOT make any major decisions until the initial few days have passed, and my emotions aren’t swinging wildly and I’m making impulsive decisions.

this one's a whopper

So i really only write when i have things to share. and boy do i have things to share... but it's still so raw.. i'm not really ready to write it all. I'm still in the talking stage, where friends are calling and checking in on me. it's helping - because being alone sucks right now.

Per my previous post - the guy and I had a pretty volatile relationship and time. It wasn't always like that, but we're pretty intense people, and that's just how it is with 2 people who are traveling at light speed in a relationship. we both just jumped right in with little brake pad material and have been off and running since then.

Still, i found out this weekend he lied to me. It was a whopper. A doozy. Had me fooled and I had no clue. 2 months and running. He's not who he represented himself to be. I believed he was honest, ethical, moral, and a man of integrity. i'm finding this is not entirely true. He lied because he's in the process of putting his life together, and was afraid that if he didn't lie, i wouldn't go out with him. He's probably not wrong, but it's not like i had a choice in the matter, because by lying, he took away my opportunity to do so.

hrm.. more thoughts later.

I did it again...

I have some serious catching up to do it would seem. I have things to share, and things to catch up on, but I think for now, due to the late hour, I will simply just write what is on my mind.

The last few months have been pretty interesting, but just a continuation of my fairly uneventful life. Most of this changed about 7 weeks ago.. when I met someone online that I just knew I was going to hit it off with. It certainly started off with a bang - one moment we're viewing one another on a free online dating site, the next, we're exchanging short little messages back and forth throughout a Saturday morning. This progresses to IM's, in which I am not getting anything that I had hoped to accomplish done, and neither is he. I happened to have a friend's birthday dinner scheduled that night, so we exchanged phone numbers and I told him I would call him after the dinner. I called. Almost a full 9 hours later, we were hanging up after our first phone call. I don't know what the hell we actually discussed for almost 9 hours.. I simply know that the conversation flowed, had very few pauses, and was a ton of fun. We didn't meet up until 2 days later, but the conversations never stopped. Attraction was immediate - I think I knew I was smitten as we were on the phone. Twitterpated is more like it. I haven't had that much chemistry with anyone in a long time. All of the 'you know when you know's' start to make sense. I wont say it's perfect.. i'm old enough to know better at this point - whatever in life is perfect? But this was pretty damned near perfect.

Which brings me to my big hesitations. Knowing I"m the type to find flaws, and find problems with things.. all of my friends advised me to have fun with things, go with the flow and see where things end up. Don't judge too quickly, ratherhe problem is - this wasn't one of those relationships. This was one of those within the first 2 weeks we knew we were done for. We are both old enough to know what we want in our lives, and for our futures. Things that i'd normally question and worry about, all of a sudden weren't considerations.

Now - for the scary part - the last time I felt like this, I ended up in a 4 year relationship with a guy who decided that staying an irresponsible drug addict was much more fun and enjoyable than being in an adult relationship. I sometimes wonder why I stayed - but I think the reality is that you dont' really know where relationships will ever end up. Particularly not until you can see them in hindsight for what they really are - and sometimes perhaps adding hindsight actually gives you the perspective that you lacked earlier. Regardless, i've dated since then (obviously - if you've been reading my blogs) but I haven't found anything truly titillating since then.

So, of course, in my usual, unabashed, but still somewhat older and more experienced way, I plunged head first into the uncharted waters of new relationship - with my brain, all the while in tow screaming about how out of the box this all is.. and how unappy it is with all of this. I think to myself that I haven't had the time to really be comfortable with it, but if i'm honest, it's just an excuse - are we ever really ready for any of it? I was so young and so naive the last time, i simply don't remember being so scared like I am now.

He's mature. He's intelligent. He's fabulous. He's also a sarcastic bastard like me and a bigger pain in the ass when he wants to be. A great match for my silly ass. On top of that, he's a great counter-balance to me. He's calm and level headed where i'm a hot head. Unfortunately though, he's got a temper and can be quick to anger, much like me. We have run into a few spots where i have to be the counter, and i'm not always succesfully so. Still.. he's crazy about me and i'm crazy about him. all in less than 7 weeks. Actually a lot less time if you consider the first time he told me he was going to marry me and asked me to be his wife. Wild right? I was with someone for 4 year who didn't know what he wanted with me.. but i've met a guy and in under 2 months.. he's sure.

This has some of my friends extremely concerned, and if i was smart i wouldn't listen to them but if i'm honest, i will say that their negativity affects me - and i don't like it. But i'm still listening because I think a part of me wants to think that way. Part of me is skeptical and doubting too. Afterall, how do you really ever truly know? Even people that are together for years don't know for sure.. and i've come to realize that sometimes, you don't know. you just have to pick a path and go with it, give it a shot, and live.

And that brings me to my next realization that in the past 3 -4 years, all of the non-dating dating that i've been doing, weeding out people for various stupid reasons - i've been doing that all to myself. I have been making excuses to hide, to be in my own little world as I set forth, and thatt i'm damned happy and comfortable in my own little domain of control. And I'm also pretty lonely in my little world of self-control. And the addition of another mind, body, and set of ideals really challenges things. Now, he's been more than accomodating in most cases. So why the issues?

because i'm a nasty jealous bitch.. And I worry a lot.

Ok.. so maybe i'm not THAT horrible. Well, maybe I am. Maybe i'm just not sure. As my friend Ms. Pukesalot said on the phone to me tonight - i need to find my center.. and I'm desperately trying to do so - i'm just at a loss for how to do it. I don't know where I am. All I know is that I feel like i've bought a ticket for the scariest roller coaster in the world (and i hate... am completely utterly terrified of roller coasters) and I get to the top of the biggest drop - only to realize that i'm alone. So back up a bit -maybe i'm not entirely alone.. but i'm strapping into the seat.. and i'm not sure that I have a co-pilot to be my rock. And on the same face.. i'm not sure that i've been that great a rock in return and in respect.

So the ugly in me reared her jealous and nasty little head. I pushed a fight (decided through therapy that i'm using standard tactical defense mechanisms to egg him into fights maybe?) and realized that if i wasn't careful i was going to push away the best thing that ever happened to me. I made that decision a few weeks ago to set aside my fear and to go for it. Well, it's returned. I don't even know why - but if i'm honest with myself, it definatly wasn't for the reasons that i gave him tonight. What happened tonight was a great example of somethign that set me off balance.. but in no way shape or form should've endangered our relationship. Except I was stupid. I questioned his integrity - something he holds extremely dear, and he snapped back. Normally he kinda rolls with it, understands it's my defense mechanisms, but tonight.. he pushed back. Probably out of fear that I was going to just let everything go... so he fought to stay, and calm me down, when all i wanted was him out of my house. it wasn't so much i wanted him gone - as it was a power play. My house. My rules.

Why i'm such a bitch and a stickler for control is beyond me. Well, that's not true either. My mother got pushed around so much when she was younger.. and i watched that shit. My father always ultimately ended up taking care of her, but at the time he treated her poorly - and she felt stuck to take it. I vowed never to be in that position - hence the need for my demands, my wants and needs.

So fast forward. I've hurt him greatly. I'm hurt. I'm scared. I've vented and openly told him how i feel, but I haven't been nearly as open as I am in this blog. I sometimes don't know why until I write things how i really feel about them. I guess I don't know myself as well as I thought.

It's a huge piece of humble pie to swallow when you acknowledge that you're not so perfect in a relationship,and that you may be the cause of the problem. Even worse, acknowledge it and try and take responsibility for it.. *Gulp* It's hard for me to face that i'm imperfect.. If i'm honest, i don't want this relationship to end. He's a great guy. a real pain in the ass, but he's one of the strongest, most upstanding people i've met. And he puts up with my shit. Not only that, but he still allows me to be me - even if i don't always allow him to be him.

Don't get me wrong.. it's not all me. i just feel like it right now. he's upstairs sleeping (he could've left) and i'm downstairs writing.. and trying to find my center.

My biggest fear in life is that i'll end up like my mother. wow. that just hit me. She's a wonderful person, great big heart, but in a lot of ways I hate her.. in all the ways i dont' want to be. Through my years of soul searching, i used to think it was my father.. then my brother.. who contributed to the low-selfesteem and confusion as to views on women in relationships and in this country. Now i'm starting to really question all of this. The do as i say part is not nearly as strong as the part that says - this is what i'm doing.. but don't follow my lead. we learn what we see as kids.. and some lessons are hard (but not impossible) to unlearn.

I've become THAT girl...

It's been a while since i've been on here, and in reality i didn't think there was that much to write. Apparently I was wrong. I have been in another one of those vicious circles.. and now i'm done with it. Finding yet again - Mr. not goign to work out. I wont go through the whole life cycle of this relationship in this blog.. not enough time. it's already 1 am and i'm exhausted.. but i'm also angry. and hurt. really hurt. Even worse - rejected. OUCH.

but the door isn't closed... or is it? Sadly, I work with this individual. I have to see him pretty much on a daily basis. I knew the risks going in.. and I took it anyways. One would've thought at his age, never having been married would be signs and deter me. I considered them. Still, I trudged on. Everyone warned me... friends told me it was my decision. I decided to try.

But by the time i was done dragging my feet, I think he decided maybe he was tired of trying to woo me (he likes things to be easy.. and if anything, i'm definately not that). Then again, he's kind of difficult to.. but no need for finger pointing here right? Still, in all the ways that he isnt' what i like and what i need... i'm still drawn to him. I'm still attracted.. and now i'm upset because he's dating someone else. He's not dating her necessarily because he likes her more or anything else. it's because she's easy to be with. she doesn't fight like me. Everything he likes about me he hates about me. And he just doesn't get it.. and apparently neither do i. It is true, the things we admire the most about people.. are the things that drive us the most batty about someone later on. He admits he's taking the road more easily traveled. he's just unsure. and i don't really want a guy who doesn't know... in my head i know this. in my heart, i just know i took a chance and i feel like i missed... again. Falling hurts. Falling without a strong saftey net hurts more. I don't know if if karma is kicking me in the ass right now.. or what.. but for everytime i've questioned whether or not a friendship is worth saving, working on, or whether or not it's time to throw in the towel.... all those negatives must be coming back to haunt me. Friends I thought believed were true are wavering in their support. Others have things going on they may or may not be sharing with me.. and they're too 'busy' to talk to me these days. Everyone has their reasons. i've done that too.. looked at my phone and said.. no, i don't want to talk to that person right now. It just sucks to be the person on the other line reaching out for support. I wont say no one has been there. I really do have good friends. I'm just surprised that this time the tried and true friends are.. well, lacking. it's a forgivable thing.. They have lives to and when have i really been tehre for them right?

I've started to see a therapist again. I vow to learn to be a better friend.. to not be such a downer.. to get my life in a little bit more order. I was just telling my therapist how empowered i feel today to make changes. I'm determined to lose the extra weight i've put on, and i'm going out tomorrow with friends to put myself out there and to have fun.

And yet.. i'm still missing that retard. ugh. This is karma kicking me in the ass for every time i've made a negative comment about someone -the one i've laughed at, the one i've listened to, the one i've told to move on a million times. .. in my own insecure way of trying to feel superior- even if for a min.

yes, i'm THAT girl. And it's my turn to get my ass kicked.

dating without dating...

For the first time in my life i'm indulging in a semi-casual relationship. It's a little odd for me - as i've never really been interested in casual relationships. This is someone i met a while ago, we dated, and it didn't work out for a number of reasons. Still, i'm still strangely attracted to him (maybe because i know it wont work? I have a knack for that) and i do enjoy his company. So I took a chance...

no definitions.. no real responsibilities or obligations. Just fun.

Somehow i have this feeling it's goign to come crashing down and bite me in the arse at a later time... but for now... this is strange.. but good.

New boys on the scene....

So there is a new guy or two on the scene...

*DISCLAIMER* I am pretty buzzed as I am writing this.. so total free thought with little correction might follow (i'm buzzed but i'm not totally drunk... i know what the backspace key is).

So... I have this new guy I am dating. Sort of... well not sort of. He's a new guy and he's a good new guy. Educated, intelligent, hard working, the things that I look for when I'm looking for a potential mate right? He also treats me incredibly well, is catering, a great kisser, and a wonderful cuddler. He's not exactly as tall as I like them physically but beggars can't be choosers and he's tall enough. He's got these amazing blue eyes that sparkle like something sparkly (hey, when it's your blog you can insert something more creative ok?).

So what's the problem? well 2 things really. One i'm not terribly worried about, though I probably should be - we work together. The second, he's a bit older than me. Before him, the oldest guy I had dated was 10 years older than me. This one is 15. I know - I freaked out too. I think one of the reasons I like him is that he's bold enough to pursue me, and I like that. He also happens to be pretty good looking and fun to hang out with:) So far we've been on one and a half dates - one for dinner, the other was a casual invite he took me up on, and I ended up crashing at his place. He was a perfect gentleman but we did have some great kisses...

Anyways, fast forward, we both had our momentary freaks because of the work thing.. and then we got over it and went out the other day, discussing my discomfort with the age thing. He's totally understanding and is patiently waiting for me to figure out what it is I need to figure out - whether or not i'll be ok with it. He likes to use the term 'we' and 'us' and it's only been a date or two. Is that normal? I haven't been in a relationship for so long, I've been going off this formula that things need to be a certain way - and this isn't exactly that, but i'm liking it. I like the fact that he thinks this, and that he is catering to me. So nice to be treated well - but not totally spoiled.

On the other hand, recently met another guy - who is almost my twin in a lot of ways and is scary but mad fun. The only draw back is he has baggage... ex wife and kid -and having been down that road before, i'm not eager to venture into that territory. Additionally, he is just newly divorced and looking to reestablish himself.

So i hesitate.. and i need to go watch tv and do some studying.

Not so abnormal...

For the last decade, i've been thinking I was different from a lot of people. Turns out, I've spent the last few years realizing that i'm really not so different afterall. I have come to the realization that while I have my quirks - the reality is that we all have our quirks, and in the grand scheme of things, i put my shoes on like everyone else. Not only that, but the way I choose to live my life, is really not so different than other people.

So that said, I've recently started attempting to be more social... for better or for worse, and realizing that not everything is going to be 100% match, and that I will make mistakes *cringe* (you know, as perfect as I am and all) and that I will somehow get through them.

Getting pushed out of your comfort zone kinda sucks sometime...

Happy over Poop?? *PFFFT*

*WARNING - the following post may be a little graphic - read it at your own risk*

For the past few months, one of my two cats (both male and both neutered) has been marking in the basement. At first I thought it was behavioral and that he was acting up - fussing because of the number of litter boxes.... the type of litter.. because I wasn't allowing him out. I had also had a roommate that had a dog down in the basement. I thought the cat was being tempermental. Ms. Pukesalotsmom mentioned a possible urinary tract infection (UTI) - but mentioned some of the symptoms that Ms. Pukesalots experienced - including urine in her own bed. That didn't seem to fit - so I continued to clean up as I found it, worked on deoderizing, and talking with friends that have pets for ideas.

I probably should clarify the situation - I have 2 of 4 cats that used to live with me. The Ex-BF who didn't work out had 4 cats - 2 males and 2 females. When he went all weird on his parents, they decided that with their other 2 male cats, they could not keep 4 more. They asked me if I would be willing to take some - as I had expressed interest in the 2 males. A few months later, the cats arrived - desperately in need of love and affection. So while the Ex-BF and I lived together for 4 years, during that time, I let him take care of the cats vet visits etc. I would occasionally help out, but they were his cats, and it's really the first time I've been a solo pet owner.

So the marking stopped for a while. And this past Saturday started again. I found a brand new spot - fully wetted - and stinky as hell. Moreso than the last time. This was so horrendous I almost gagged. Thank goodness for a good friends loaning me their carpet steamer. Ex's mother told me sometime ago that when you have pets, you just make allowances and understand that your furniture and carpet might be trashed. I'm starting to realize just HOW trashed sometime.

So, after doing some research on the internet over the weekend, I found that UTI's are usually marked with blood in the urine. But I also figured it can't hurt to bring the kitty to the vet. First thing Monday morning, I called the vet. After describing the symptoms - even though they were booked, they made time to see me that evening. I found out that even though the symptoms and experiences I had read about on the internet were true, many times, cats can develop UTI's and not have blood in their urine. I felt like a bad pet owner.

I managed to swing home after work, and since this cat had never been in the pet carrier, wasn't threatened when I showed up with it. After shoving him in it though, he was less than happy and started voicing his disapproval. This pet carrier is kinder than the big plastic ones, as this has a side of mesh, is soft sided, and zips from both ends. He cried all the way over to the vets office (thankfully it was a short trip). The vet figures he has a UTI and prescribed antibiotics. But in trying to feel for his bladder, my cat is apparently too fat and she couldn't feel it. We had to x-ray him to ensure that his bladder wasn't blocked and swollen. Turns out, the bladder was fine - but turns out my cat was constipated. The vet was even nice enough to show me all the poop that was backed up in him. She asked me to segregate him last night, to see if he could defecate. If not, she wanted me to bring him back in for an enema. Eeeww.

I segregated the cat alright. He cried and clawed at the bathroom door all night - and i woke up a number of times because of all of the noise he was making. Not cool. Today at lunch, the vet called -to talk to me and see if he had defecated. I told her he had peed as of the AM, but no poop. She asked if I could check on him and bring him in before the end of the day. I figured it wasn't that big a deal, but then she explained it could stretch out his colon and cause permanant damage. Stress set in. I don't know why - this is a great time of where ignorance equals bliss. Sometimes not knowing what the possibilities are is much nicer than knowing exactly what the outcome may be. For approximately the next 5 hours, I prayed that when I returned home, i'd find a big pile of poop in the litter box (and yes I left the cat segregated all day so he could do his business in the box). The poor kitty was NOT happy with me.. having left him all locked up.

So I rushed home at 5... only to find another clump of pee - but no poop. This time, getting the cat in that cat carrier was much more interesting. You'd think bringing the carrier into a confined space like the bathroom would be easier right? WRONG. First, the cat managed to open the vanity drawers under the sink and crawl under the sink - behind the stuff I had stored in there. He also wasn't coming out willingly. I had to grab the scruff of his neck, and had to pull him out from behind the sink - and then stuff him back in the cat carrier. If you think this is traumatic, just wait til I get the cat to the doctors office and they put soapy water up his butt to make him poop.. ugh. This cat is going to not only be trauamatized but violated also. Wonderful.

I get him in the carrier, and bring him downstairs, setting him on the first floor landing. I had forgotten something upstairs, and ran back up to get it. As I am coming down the stairs, I see the big fluffy cat sitting in the middle of the living room - about 5 feet outside of the carrier. WTF? he's a freaking magician now? Note to self - when zipping the cat in the carrier - ensure the other side is fully zipped! Great. I grab the carrier, and slowly approach the cat - but he's too slick. He sees me coming and before i can take a step, he is halfway down the stairs to the basement. *Sigh* this could be a while.

My basement doesn't have a door to it - so there is no way to enclose the cat - and we've done the stairs marathon before- where he runs upstairs, then downstairs, and I chase. Luckily, this time, he didn't go too far - he just parked himself under the sofa downstairs. For a 17 lb cat - he sure can make himself flat and skinny when he needs to. So I have to get all the way down and reach under the sofa. Wonderful. My asian genes that gave me short arms and legs are well designed for reaching to the back of a sofa and trying to pull a 17 lb cat out that's digging into the carpet. So I try and stick something back there to poke him out - but he's too slick - he's not moving. Short of lifting the sofa and watching him run off (this has happened before in the past), I flatten myself and reach as far as I can and drag him out.. and then try and shove him (yet again) back in the pet carrier. Trying to force a pet into a pet carrier is like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. The legs flail out - and it's like trying to fit something 3 feet wide through a 2 foot wide section. it doesn't work too well.

So 15 minutes later, i'm putting the cat back in the car - yet again - this time knowing full well what will happen to him. I AM SOOOO SORRY!!!

The vet is awesome, she takes him back and hooks him up. She also wants to put him on a high fiber diet - to keep the constipation bit down. She explains a lot to me and we go with it. She comes out from the backroom and tells me that the enema has gotten about 1/3 of the stuff out of his system. She wants to wait a little longer to see if anymore comes out. But ... no go. 10 minutes later, she comes out and says nothing more for now. We go over a few more things, and they bring him back out. I get the new food in the car, put thet cat in the carrier in, and drive home. He's definately not happy with me, but he's also feeling a little better - i can tell because he's being little more social.

So I pull into my parking space about 5 minutes later, and put him down while I reach back and grab my gym bag - as i'm going to go play volleyball later. As I'm walking in the door talking with kitty, I hear a *pffft*... and smell something kinda rank. He starts scrambling around in the carrier - and i haven't put him down yet.. I think I know what happened.. and they didn't tell me that this might happen. So i put him down on the tile foyer, and open the bag. Kitty hops out.. with a huge stink in tow. (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS GROSS - Skip down a few paragraphs if you want). I look in the bag and there is a pile of doo doo. There is also some watery stuff on teh back of the bag - and it all stinks to high heaven (the vet's office had warned that there might be a little soapy residue). I look out at the cat who is now on the hardwood in my living room - with free run for the first time in over 24 hours - and he has this mustard yellow mushy poo down the back of both legs - and about 50% of his tail.. the end portion. OH CRAP - and yes, that's a bad pun but I freak. If I chase him, he will run and drag poo all over the house. If I approach him - he's covered in crap - what do I do? So I duck into the bathroom that is off of my foyer, and grab a roll of toilet paper and throw the pet carrier in the bathroom to clean later. I pin the cat down and start wiping him down. As i near the poo spot near his anus, he starts to scramble - and he's nowhere near clean. I try and hold up his tail to get a few wipes in - and he freaks even more. *Sigh* I got a little off of him, but I also let him go with stuff still on him, as there was not enough toilet paper to get everything on him, and I don't feel like using my bare hands.

I run into the kitchen and grab some washclothes - and wet one down. Luckily for me, he's laying on the hardwood in the living room. I pin him down and go after him with a wet cloth. At first he doesn't mind as I get the end of his tail and the back of his legs, but the moment I go near his backend - he can't stand it and freaks out - still somewhat messy - but not as bad.
I get as much as possible with thet wet cloth, go after him with the dry one, and make my peace as much as possible.

I was stressing about poo all day - and it got fixed with a little *PFFT*. The cat now has no problem going poo.